About Me

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Hi. Welcome to my "taboo" blog. My name is Steph, and when I first started this, I was still in my thirties. In 2017, I switch decades! I am a Christian, so underlying everything I do and say is the Word of God, and the foundational truths I have learnt over the years. This doesn't mean I'm perfect - I am human. It just means I recognise I need God's help to live this life and try to live out His way, as best I can. So that's me in a nutshell. Thanks for taking the time to read through my blog, I hope you draw strength, hope or encouragement from what you read.

Monday, September 14, 2015

Urge to Hug

One of the terms used to describe the feelings which accompany the infertility struggle, relates to our empty arms. The desire to hold someone, to hug and protect and cherish our own, is sometimes so strong, it is a physical representation of the ache in our hearts as a result of our empty womb.

Recently, the desire to hold my own baby has been so overwhelmingly strong, it's hard to explain, and even harder to tell anyone as the desire builds within. The fear of being told, "How do you know what you're missing, you've never had a baby." Or being told I'm just being silly, I think has silenced me on these occasions. The struggle of infertility just seems to be unrelenting and it is such a private emotional journey, to have someone try to diminish my feelings as foolish or silly would add to my sense of isolation on this path.

It feels like a huge drop in the depths of my stomach, my inner man, when I realise this is not going to happen. That I have no child to hold. No comfort to give. No reassurance to offer in the warmth of my arms. It is that sense of dread about the unmet desire which literally falls from my heart and buries itself in the depth of my spirit. 

Especially with all the glowing Facebook posts from proud parents photographing their child's first day at school/ big school etc.

This is part of the journey. A journey which has no light at the end...in fact, there doesn't even seem to be an end to it. And so, it's a case of hiding myself in my Heavenly Father's arms. Resting in the warmth if His embrace and allow Him to wipe away my tears. 

This is, of course, spiritually speaking. How nice it would be to find that comfort in reality too.

Father God, I thank You because You never belittle or minimise our feelings, or the way we allow the journey of infertility to affect us, even after all these years. Father, I pray that when the desire for a baby threatens to overwhelm, that You would overwhelm that sense of dread and hopelessness with Your shalom. In Jesus name I pray.

Friday, September 11, 2015

Dedication Invitation

Most people who know me, know that I spend a fair amount of time in Starbucks coffee shop, using it as my writing base, and my "second office" for anyone who wants to meet me. So it would come as no surprise that I have befriended some of the staff who work there. I think they take pity on me because I can literally sit there for hours! 

Anyway, it came as a huge surprise when I received an invitation to the dedication of the baby of one of the women who worked there (before she left to have her baby, that is). The invitation started, "We would like to invite close friends and family to join us in celebrating our baby girl..." For about three weeks, I wrestled this and wasn't sure they didn't mean to invite a different "Steph". And I usually try to avoid baby related stuff, if I can, because it's just another reminder of what I am missing in my own life. 

The week before the dedication, I messaged my Starbucks friend, actually, I thought had the date wrong and believed it was the next day, but I was able to ask her, "Did you actually mean to invite me?" To which she replied, "Steph, your faith and your relationship with God is so evident and I really admire it. When I was thinking about who to invite, because I wanted my daughter to have a Christian dedication, it felt wrong to not invite you. I knew that I needed to have you with us." 

So from chatting to her when she worked in my second office, from which she added me as a friend on Facebook, God has been using me in ways I had absolutely no idea about, to inspire and encourage her. We will never know how God uses us in the lives of people around us! She continued the conversation by asking about the Church I attend and ended up saying she wanted to come along one day. I really pray she does. Especially as since the dedication things have ended with the baby's father. She is an incredibly strong woman, (she told me a bit of her story during the conversation) and I pray she will find strength in God, and I pray she will know Jesus is there with her, supporting her and befriending her. 

The dedication service was beautiful. Although I think only me and just other people knew the last song, "My Jesus My Saviour", which was funny, because everyone seemed to know, "Shine Jesus Shine"! I literally didn't know anyone else at the celebration, so my friend had arranged for her mum to look out for me. I ended up helping out in the kitchen and that was probably the safest option for me, that trying  to talk to people I don't know about why I don't have any children! 

I thank God that He is able to use me in this way, and to have been considered to be a necessary addition to the Baby Dedication celebration.

Father I pray that my Starbucks friend will find You for herself, and that she would find comfort and a hope in Your Son, Yeshua. I also pray that her baby daughter will also come to faith in You for herself, and that she will be a strong light for You in these dark days, may she inspire her two older brothers and may she draw many to You. In Jesus name.