About Me

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Hi. Welcome to my "taboo" blog. My name is Steph, and when I first started this, I was still in my thirties. In 2017, I switch decades! I am a Christian, so underlying everything I do and say is the Word of God, and the foundational truths I have learnt over the years. This doesn't mean I'm perfect - I am human. It just means I recognise I need God's help to live this life and try to live out His way, as best I can. So that's me in a nutshell. Thanks for taking the time to read through my blog, I hope you draw strength, hope or encouragement from what you read.

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Unfulfilled Nurturer

Within most of us women who are TTC, I think there is a deep-seated desire to nurture. To be a Momma is to put this ability God placed in us into action, and the fact that we don't yet have our own Bubba means this desire is largely unsatisfied. 

It's just another aspect of our Journey to become a Mumma which is missing among the fanfare of IVF or hospital investigations. Another one of those things which doesn't really gt discussed unless you are in the journey yourself.

I recently noticed this desperate longing to nurture becoming more prominent, when one night Hubby, in his half-asleep wanderings to the kitchen for a midnight snack, slipped down the stairs. I didn't realise he'd actually left the bed til I heard him falling, then I was straight up to check on him. Clearly a grown man doesn't want to be nurtured or comforted or kissed better. He wants to be a man about it. To get up, hide in his cave and lick his wounds.

I found myself feeling ridiculously rejected by his pushing me away, and finally recognised that what I'm missing, is having that opportunity to care for someone. Not that becoming a mother is all about me fulfilling that part of womanhood, but as I said from the outset, there is a deep longing to care, to comfort, to nurture.

Having my nephews live close to me is great. There's a bit of an outlet when  we go on one of our 'aunt dates', or with my stepson when he stays with us. And maybe that should be enough for me right now. But as the boys grow older, this will lessen. Will my desire to be a nurturer lessen too?  Or will the Unfulfilled Nurturer 'sub-heading' of infertility grow more intense with each month that passes?

Was part of the anguish women like Hannah in the Bible felt, a result of having some opportunity to nurture with having her husband's children around the home, and intensified longing of her heart to fully nurture her own child? To be fully Mumma?

Father God, help me not to feel rejected. Help me to recognise the moments You give to me, to offer comfort and care to those around me. In Jesus name.

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Don't Be Duped

As if IVF wasn't a difficult thing for us to go through, but it seems that there are people out there who are determined to cash in on our pain and misery, by trying to say that women need to have more tests and checks than we actually need to have. Read the article in the Daily Mail here.

When Hubby and I looked into taking the route down the IVF road, we visited one of the CARE Clinics' open evenings to try to get a picture of who they are and what they offer. I'd had a severe allergic reaction to Clomid (like not being able to breathe-type-of severe!) and was advised by the Consultant - who knew our case - to not take ANY kind of fertility drugs as they would cause the same type of reaction (read more about the Clomid route here). 

During the Q&A session, when I was asking about natural IVF, the woman leading the presentation seemed to be more concerned with getting me go through full IVF, rather than the reduced price, ergo less-income for-them, natural IVF. At the time, Hubby also had the impression that they played on women's emotions in this type of circumstance, in order to make money.

It is really frustrating that "Baby-Making" has become such a big money spinner for those who are prepared to cash-in on our problems. There are people

in suits who know that we will literally try anything and everything to get the reward of our own baby in our arms, and they are unscrupulous enough to make money on our pain and anguish. And I'm not just talking about the IVF / IUI etc routes. We consume pills and potions and eat organic / gluten-free / sugar-free anything in order to feel like we can have control over our bodies and the situation surrounding our fertility! It's big business!

Women have for centuries, been successfully having babies. I pray the Lord will give us wisdom in our walk with Him to know when to buy and when to refrain from buying. Why should our desperation for a baby line the pockets of someone who really doesn't care if we successfully have a baby or not. Even if you are at this moment being told you need to do some test you have already undergone, I pray the Lord will lead you to actually know whether it is right - or just a way for money to be made. May you know the steps He has for you to take on your path for your own Bubba.

Father God, wanting a baby, and not being able to have one is so incredibly painful. The longing to have the void in my womb filled, and for my arms to hold the precious gift of my own baby remains unfulfilled and is a burden weighing me down daily. But Father, I know that You genuinely care about the outcome of my Journey for Bubba, just as you do for every woman reading this. I pray you would help us to not become so blinded by the promises of the world of what might work, but that Your voice would speak to me clearly about what I need to do or not do. protect us from the schemes of men to make money out of our heartache. In Jesus name I pray.

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

A Wasted Month

Recently, my doctor's surgery has closed down, and all we patients were "merged" with a local medical centre. It's a swanky new build, with a "cheese counter" ticket machine and visual flashy thing to let you know when the Doctor is ready to see you, to save the Receptionist from shouting over the counter.

Having recently recovered from tonsillitis, I have realised why starting with a new doctor, is like starting the whole fertility journey from the beginning. Had he been aware that Hubby and I are TTC, I wouldn't have been prescribed the antibiotics which clearly states on the information leaflet "do not take if you are pregnant, breast-feeding, or trying to conceive". Had I not been rendered incapable by the tonsillitis, I might have thought to say something when asked, "are you allergic to anything" like, "No, but I am TTC".

So here's to a wasted month... Who knows what could have been - though probably wouldn't have been!

This Journey of Bubba involves a complete change of life-style, and a deepened awareness of so many things, which most people who "fall" pregnant so quickly have no idea about. It's not a temporary thing either - it's an on-going decision, at every stage, in every situation to make choices, and often be open about what we are trying to achieve in our marriage. For an indefinite length of time. Sharing with complete randoms the private and personal life of our marriage.

That's not easy.

Father God, I pray You would give us strength for the long-haul of this Journey for Bubba, because without You sustaining us, we could so easily become overwhelmed by it all. In Jesus name.