Within most of us women who are TTC, I think there is a deep-seated desire to nurture. To be a Momma is to put this ability God placed in us into action, and the fact that we don't yet have our own Bubba means this desire is largely unsatisfied.
It's just another aspect of our Journey to become a Mumma which is missing among the fanfare of IVF or hospital investigations. Another one of those things which doesn't really gt discussed unless you are in the journey yourself.
I recently noticed this desperate longing to nurture becoming more prominent, when one night Hubby, in his half-asleep wanderings to the kitchen for a midnight snack, slipped down the stairs. I didn't realise he'd actually left the bed til I heard him falling, then I was straight up to check on him. Clearly a grown man doesn't want to be nurtured or comforted or kissed better. He wants to be a man about it. To get up, hide in his cave and lick his wounds.
I found myself feeling ridiculously rejected by his pushing me away, and finally recognised that what I'm missing, is having that opportunity to care for someone. Not that becoming a mother is all about me fulfilling that part of womanhood, but as I said from the outset, there is a deep longing to care, to comfort, to nurture.
Having my nephews live close to me is great. There's a bit of an outlet when we go on one of our 'aunt dates', or with my stepson when he stays with us. And maybe that should be enough for me right now. But as the boys grow older, this will lessen. Will my desire to be a nurturer lessen too? Or will the Unfulfilled Nurturer 'sub-heading' of infertility grow more intense with each month that passes?
Was part of the anguish women like Hannah in the Bible felt, a result of having some opportunity to nurture with having her husband's children around the home, and intensified longing of her heart to fully nurture her own child? To be fully Mumma?
Father God, help me not to feel rejected. Help me to recognise the moments You give to me, to offer comfort and care to those around me. In Jesus name.