About Me

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Hi. Welcome to my "taboo" blog. My name is Steph, and when I first started this, I was still in my thirties. In 2017, I switch decades! I am a Christian, so underlying everything I do and say is the Word of God, and the foundational truths I have learnt over the years. This doesn't mean I'm perfect - I am human. It just means I recognise I need God's help to live this life and try to live out His way, as best I can. So that's me in a nutshell. Thanks for taking the time to read through my blog, I hope you draw strength, hope or encouragement from what you read.

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Food Won't Build My Faith...But Here's Food For Thought

Tonight's paper is carrying a story which every woman who has been TTC for a long time is well aware of!! Shock-horror... A woman's diet prior to conception has an impact on conception itself as well as on the development of the baby!!

Science finally catches up!!

I have tried literally every dietary advice I have ever read in papers, magazine articles and on the internet... Taken vitamins, supplements, tried a herbal diet, an acid-free diet and I'm currently on a gluten-free diet!! All in the name of TTC!!

Why do I get sucked into these fads and, "it worked for that couple, maybe it'll work for me" ideologies?? I can tell you why. And it doesn't take science, or a study, or an examination. It's because I'm well aware, as many other women who are struggling to conceive, of the impact of what we put into our bodies on the development of our eggs, and of the womb lining. I never used to eat steaks, but now I try to have at least one a week because of the high iron content. I try to avoid processed food, in order to give my body as much natural source of nutrients as I can through what I eat. The more it resembles how God created it, the happier I feel about eating it.

Rachel, in the bible understood the importance of the food she ate, and of how some foods do seem to have an impact on fertility. She begged her rival older sister to give her some mandrakes one of her sons had found, that she might eat them, and have a child of her own. Genesis 30:14. Rachel wasn't acting in faith in God here, she was putting her faith in the 'power of the plant'. She thought by eating the mandrakes, she would be able to conceive.

That's not why I have changed what or how I eat.

God is the creator of my body, the way it works, the way it absorbs what it needs from what I put into it, and discards the junk. So by eating less processed food I'm hoping my body will work as God originally intended for it to work.

But the main reason for changing my diet is to combat the helpless I have felt about this Journey for Bubba. By making conscious choices about what I'm eating, I hope to give my body a better chance to response each month, I feel like I'm being pro-active in this walk. I hate feeling completely helpless, and by having some kind of control over what I eat, I hope that God will see the practical steps I have taken, and will one day bring the miracle I so long for.

I once heard it said, "before God can do the impossible, we have to do the possible." When the four men lowered their friend in through the roof at Jesus' feet, they had done all they could physically do. They carried him, they made a hole in the roof and lowered him to where Jesus was teaching. Jesus's response to their possibilities was to do the impossible - heal their friend.

This is my small act of doing what is possible, trusting God that He will one day, as He has done for so many women over the centuries, bring about what is impossible. The miracle of Bubba. Until then...I'll enjoy a few more steaks!

Father God, help me to not look at food as the source of my miracle, but as something to aid my body as I wait on You. I pray you would lead me when I eat, that I won't eat what is harmful to what You created, and will one day create, but that I will eat the right foods at the right time of the month according to what You know I need at each stage of my Journey. From the egg's maturity, to release, to strength in the lining. May the right egg be perfected, ready to be fertilised by the right sperm from Hubby. May everything be perfect in its time Lord. In Jesus name I pray.

Sunday, April 27, 2014

Putting My Faith in Your Plans

In the service this evening, at my Church,we sang a song which contains the lines,
"I put my life in Your hands I put my faith in Your plans"
When you reach the place when your empty womb and empty arms create such a deep longing and ache in your heart, where your dreams and heart-desire remains hidden from you - to stand and sing this line takes guts.

I don't mean that kind of blind singing which we often do just to follow the rest of the congregation. No. I mean to sing the words, knowing that you actually do mean them, even though it feels as though saying them rips something from your heart.

Is this what Jesus means by 'a sacrifice of praise'???

I can feel safe knowing my life is in God's hands. This is the safest place to be right now.

But the second bit is harder... Putting my faith in God's plans at the risk of my own plans and desires not being fulfilled. To really believe God has my best in His intentions. To allow faith to carry beyond the tears into His presence with boldness and security.

Father, help me to really know I can put my faith in Your plans, knowing that You will make all things right, according to what You are trying to do in me and through me. In Jesus' name.

Saturday, April 5, 2014

When Heaven Is Silent...

One of the things I promised myself, when I first started writing this blog, is that I would use this as a way of being real with my own thoughts, as a means of trying to work out what I am feeling.... I'm not the most expressive of people - except through writing. Somehow I have always found it easier to write than to speak about what I think or feel - which completely drives Hubby mad, because he prefers me to talk than to have to read about it!

This kind of walk which we're going through, which seems so endless and hopeless, also has made it harder for me to connect with the God Who I have always depended on. We all go through those times when God seems so far away, when our cries, our pleading,our prayers seem to surround us with their taunting echoing - as though bouncing around and around the cold stone walls which have built up around me. When the silence from God is so deafening, it hurts, and my heart is weary from all the tears. 

I have never gone through such a long struggle to connect with my Saviour, as I seem to be going through at this moment... and as much as I would love to see an end to the infertility challenge, I would also love to see an end to the silence of heaven. I love to study His Word, and gain so much from those times - but that personal one-on-one connection which we all long for with Heavenly Father... this is missing. Maybe it's because I have made myself busy, in order to try to handle this Journey? Maybe it's because I am battle weary? Maybe it's the anger at what we are struggling with? Maybe it's the endlessness of the Journey? Maybe it's the seemingly unanswered prayers over these last few years? Maybe it's because Hubby and I aren't as united in our desperation to seek God as we should be? Maybe it's all this and more.

I'm not posting this in the hope for pity or anything... I'm posting it because I believe that there are many others in the same Journey for Bubba who may also be feeling so distant from God, who may also experience that same sense of aloneness, desperation and sadness, in thinking God has forgotten about us, about the promise for us to be a mother, has turned His back on us and has become as bored with our pleas as we have become with repeating ourselves.

But regardless of how we feel, "Everything is going to be OK"
God not only comforts us in our grief and loneliness, He wipes our tears, collecting them as they flow - each precious heartfelt sob from the heart - and places them in a special place. When we are with Him, He will show you exactly how close He was to you. He hasn't stopped caring about you, or what you are going through, because nothing can separate you from the love He lavishes on you. Whatever else you think and feel about your Journey, somehow we have to look past this, and hold onto the truth that our Heavenly Father hasn't given up on us, and that He is trying to speak to us, as much as we are trying to listen. His grace is sufficient to carry you through each day - each heart-breaking month which passes, each grief-stricken sob of hopelessness. He will never leave you. He will never abandon you. He won't give up on the plans and promises He has for you. So whatever you feel... reflect on these things, and may they keep you close to God, embraced in His strong arms of love and support, and may you find rest in His peace.