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Hi. Welcome to my "taboo" blog. My name is Steph, and when I first started this, I was still in my thirties. In 2017, I switch decades! I am a Christian, so underlying everything I do and say is the Word of God, and the foundational truths I have learnt over the years. This doesn't mean I'm perfect - I am human. It just means I recognise I need God's help to live this life and try to live out His way, as best I can. So that's me in a nutshell. Thanks for taking the time to read through my blog, I hope you draw strength, hope or encouragement from what you read.

Friday, June 21, 2013


OK, so I have come to the conclusion that the impending operation could actually be a good thing. As much as I am loath to admit this, I have to accept it. for me, the biggest thing, is no longer about clearing out my blocked Fallopian Tube, it has become about learning the extent of the condition I have in order to understand the pain I feel.

I am "simple folk" really.It is a fact that endometriosis causes pain, which I often experience at the most inappropriate times - like after intercourse (poor Hubby feels absolutely awful when he notices the silent tears which force themselves down my cheeks uninvited!). But in my body, there isn't a real understanding in my head about why I can often be in so much pain, I have to drive with a hot water bottle hidden under my top, or be at work, and excuse myself to the toilet to hide, because the pain has been that intense, that sudden it brings tears to my eyes.

In this regard, I welcome the laparoscopic salpingostomy for the answers it will bring. And in this respect - I think I do need to have this procedure. As the pain intensifies, I have reached that place of needing to fully grasp why. I know what I know about endometriosis from the internet and great sites like, The Infertility Network or Endometriosis UK and I praise God for women who have walked this read before me who have recognised the need for answers and understanding.

But I need to know what is happening in my own body. As much as I am loathe to admit that this procedure is necessary in my Journey for Bubba.

Saturday, June 15, 2013

Bad Dream - Bad Thoughts

I woke this morning, after having had a bit of a bad dream.... It wasn't really a nightmare, or bad dream in the sense of disastrous, scary or anything like that. More of an emotionally bad dream which had an upsetting affect on my day. It's funny how we allow things which we know are not true or not real to have an impact on our reality. But there we go. Today I did.

In the dream I was sitting in Church when a lady came forward to "give a word" - it wasn't a lady I knew, more of a faceless woman who had something to say. And her words were the things which had an affect on me, "You know, there are people who just seem to be amazing at everything, you know, people who just seem to be blessed in so many ways, like **my name**. She can write, has had a book published, she can teach and preach, she can sing, she can organise... and yet, God seems to be withholding His greatest blessing from her life...The gift of her own child. We have to wonder why!"

She didn't get any further, as she was bundled away from the front of the Church, the mic taken off her, and my friends gathered around me - I'm not sure if it was to stop me scratching her eyes out, or what - but that was the dream. I woke up. And these words have stuck with me all day.

I know they weren't physically spoken to me, but I know that they are a spiritual taunt. And I have to admit, there are times when I have wondered this. Why God has blessed me abundantly in so many ways, and yet why He seems to be holding out on this. The word of God says, "No good thing will He withhold from those who walk uprightly" (Psalm 84:11). And I know I walk as uprightly as any of us can on any given day in this fallen world. I'm not perfect. None of us are.

But here I am, a little over three weeks away from having laparoscopic salpingostomy. Facing the prospect that for Hubby and me, this operation is last chance saloon, because we don't have any other options. What if, even after this surgery God still withholds His greatest gift from me. How does a woman learn to live with that.

I know there have been words of encouragement and prophecy spoken over me recently, but as I said, this morning's dream has had an affect. And there are days when we are faced with our own immortality - for we are not God, no matter how far science advances. God alone is God.

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Prophetic Fuschia - A Word for Someone.

OK, so I don't claim to be a prophet, or anything like that, and this is the first time this has really happened in relation to this blog, but I really feel that the Lord has given me a word for someone reading this. Now bearing in mind i don't know who reads this, I think it's amazing that God has chosen to use me to encourage you. So here goes.

In my hanging baskets last year, I added a couple of fuschias to add some colour and height. They looked amazing and served the purpose for which I had bought them, last summer. I don't know much about plants, so when the hanging basket died down in the late autumn, I just assumed I would need to buy more annuals when the time came for it in the late spring. Not thinking anything more about the mass of dead branches, and withered leaves which clogged up the hanging baskets at the front of my house. I suppose if I was a bit more savvy, I'd have created some kind of winter display, instead of leaving the dead stuff!

Skip ahead six months, and it's time for me to work on this year's display, so off I trundle one Bank Holiday to the Garden Centre and invest in a range of plants, some annuals and some perennials (this grow back year after year, so I'm told!!). I bought a load of soily stuff and with the help of some helpful random bloke who was minding his own business, I manage to get everything into the back of my car, and home!

It was such a gorgeous day as I sat on the patio, clearing out the old baskets and replanting the new stuff into the new soil, and I chatted with the Lord while I worked. When I picked up the third basket, I started to tip the old dead stuff out, when suddenly I looked closer at what was inside. The fuschia, which I had assumed was dead, had a couple of bright green leaves sprouting on it. There was life, where I thought there was death.

Someone reading this has been thinking that their womb is dead, because it is not doing what it should be doing. I had thought the fuschia was dead because it looked dead in the basket - I had thought it wasn't doing what it should have been doing - even though I had left it outside throughout the cold, hard winter we have just had.

You may have experienced a cold, hard "winter" in relation to your desire to start a family, and you may not have thought your womb was able to produce life, having only experienced death, but God is telling you that where you thought death was, He will bring life. Your womb is not dead. It will sprout new growth. Your womb will bring forth the life for which God created it. don't "throw it away".

Father God, I pray You will lead the right person / people to read this post who You have spoken this word over. And I pray that you will cause life to spring up in the womb which has been considered, or pronounced as being "dead". I pray for those wives of Husbands who are affected by fertility issues, that they too would experience life in that which has been thought of as being dead. Lord Jesus, I pray You would breathe life into couples whose hope is in You. In Jesus' name.

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Devotions at Work - Encouragement From God

I am blessed in my work environment, in that I work for a Christian organisation, and every morning we start with devotions. Depending on who is leading it, this is either an informal discussion, or a formal teach (usually when the Boss leads it!!). When the office based team are doing it, we tend go through a book, chapter by chapter.

This morning, the Boss chose one of the passages which has been one of the foundational Scriptures for my own Journey of Faith. 1 Samuel chapter 1 which relays Hannah's struggle with TTC, and the moment she encounters God answering her prayer (I've written about Hannah in a number of posts on here, including this one, this one and this one)!

Now, I have never spoken to him about it... the most I had to tell him was a couple of weeks ago when both me and my colleague who are both working on a major project due for the beginning of July were facing operations at the same time (for different reasons). We had to explain what was happening and tell him we'd come up with a contingency plan, just in case we were both off at the same time. All he knows is that I am facing an Op for Gynea reasons!! No detail!!! It wouldn't take a genius to work it out though... I'm married, of child-bearing age (just), facing an operation and childless!!! So, to me at least, it is kinda obvious there may be an issue!!

So, if he doesn't know about my Journey for Bubba, God obviously laid it on his heart to bring it to the Staff Devotions for a reason. And as we read around, I was struck by the relevance of 'my' verses. So, I'm going to share a couple of them with you, which I ended up reading as the group read "around the table":
V12: As she continued praying before the Lord, Eli observed her mouth.
OK, so there's nothing glaringly obvious in that verse... I'm not sure there's really anything to observe about my mouth... but God observes when I talk with Him, and hears what I say, even when others are completely oblivious to my praying.
V17: Then Eli answered, "Go in peace, and the God of Israel grant your petition that you have made to Him." 
V27: [Hannah said to Eli] "For this child I prayed, and the Lord has granted me my petition that I made to Him."
Both of these verses are INCREDIBLY relevant and on-point!!! Of all the verses I could have ended up reading within the group - these are the two which are so significant in terms of where I am at and my Journey for Bubba. The first one - is the high priest telling Hannah her prayer has been answered, even before she and her Hubby got together a few days later.

The second verse is a few years later, after the child has been conceived, born, and weened and Hannah confirms that the Lord indeed had heard her heart-cry, which the High Priest confirmed to her, and now here she was a living testimony saying almost word-for-word, exactly what Eli had said to her.

This, for me, is being added to my faith arsenal... that the Lord has indeed heard me, and will grant my petition made to Him, so that in the years to come I will proclaim as Hannah before me, "For this child I prayed, and the Lord has granted me my petition that I made to Him."

Saturday, June 1, 2013

Fast Forward Please??!

If only it was possible to hit a 'fast forward' button in life now and again. It would be so much easier to deal with stuff if I could just hit that button and avoid it altogether!!! You know what I mean???
If I could, I'd skip to the part where I'm a real mum and holding my own Bubba!!!

But it seems that God, in His wisdom, hasn't designed life like that... Probably because we'd miss out on so much, like the comfort He gives us, the encouragement He brings or even the lessons He teaches. Not to mention the opportunity He gives us to stand strong in Him when we're at our weakest moment!

It turns out that my body, for this month, has thrown in the towel... At least according to the ovulation tests it has. It was like, "sorry girl but this month the egg ain't even gonna be released - I'm tired of fighting - need time out!"

I don't blame it really, how often I have wondered what happens to those eggs which can't get past the blockage in the Fallopian Tube. It's really sad though, because ovulation is the reason for Auntie Flow and for the hope each month and gives me reason to hang on that in spite of the blockage, it could still happen because that's what ovulating is about.

Oh well... That leaves one more month to TTC before I have to have the op to unblock these tubes of mine. One more chance to conceive without any medical intervention.

The countdown to the laparoscopic thingy is underway! If only I could hit that button now...!