About Me

My photo
Hi. Welcome to my "taboo" blog. My name is Steph, and when I first started this, I was still in my thirties. In 2017, I switch decades! I am a Christian, so underlying everything I do and say is the Word of God, and the foundational truths I have learnt over the years. This doesn't mean I'm perfect - I am human. It just means I recognise I need God's help to live this life and try to live out His way, as best I can. So that's me in a nutshell. Thanks for taking the time to read through my blog, I hope you draw strength, hope or encouragement from what you read.

Saturday, August 25, 2012

Here's to Good Friends

A good friend of mine came to stay for a few days recently. She arrived at a time when I had just found out this month is another unsuccessful month. But it actually helped having her here to share with... A problem halved and all that jazz!

Over lunch one day, she was telling me what it was like for her to be pregnant, and the trials and triumphs of her experiences. I have heard people telling me before about what their pregnancy experiences was like - how some really enjoyed being pregnant, while others hated it... not sure how it will be for me - time (hopefully) will tell. My friend had been quite relaxed about it, so it seems. 

I know everyone's experiences are different, but I love to research... probably too much. I love to know what is going on in my body at various times, and I want to know what to expect. Even though I am not there yet.

So this month, I was a lot more relaxed about the fact we were not successful in conception - in that I didn't have a down day this time around. I didn't mope around with the "woe is me" attitude I have had in the past. I didn't want to hide in bed all day and not resurface or talk to people. I was able to share what I was going through... get it out of my system!

So, my friend left me with two thoughts, which I will share with you:
One: That what the time comes, she is convinced I will make a great mum... although she can see me waking up one day holding this baby in my arms saying, "I've got a baby. Arrrrgggghhhhhhh I've got a baby... What do I do!!!!" Lol!!!! :-)  Baby Blues can hit any woman at any time - it doesn't have to mean we have post-natal depression.

Two: It will help if I start practicing my squats, and lowering my pelvic floor as low as I can... Apparently, it will eventually help with the whole labour process. She suggested I watch "One Born Every Minute" but TBH... I'm so not ready for THAT kind of research!!!

Monday, August 20, 2012

Thank you Asda - she says sarcastically!!

I went into my local supermarket today, needing to buy some sanitary products - I tend to buy when I run out instead of ensuring there's always stock in the house - as I want to be Bubba's Mumma!

Anyway, I was looking down the aisles for them - they used to be near the beauty products and make-up and all that girlie stuff I love to browse through when I get a moment. But they had been moved...

Where did I find them?????
Next to all the baby stuff.. the nappies, the baby food, the stuff for a new mum... so yeah - thank you Asda for moving it for me! A great reminder, yet again, that this month was not successful!!! Great amount of thought and sensitivity went into that product placement!!! NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Booked in...

I walked away from the Doctor's Surgery, clutching the appointment letter in my hand. I had initially shoved it in my bag, not wanting to read it with others around me. But then out in the open air, I just had this overwhelming urge to read it.

As I read though the details, the information was exactly as the lady had told me over the phone. The date of my appointment, the time I was expected. But when I read the department of the hospital I was to visit - that was when the tears threatened to flood down my face.

"Gynecology clinic - infertility department" or something like that... All I can really remember is THAT one word... infertility. It made my stomach churn.

I am NOT infertile! I shouted in my head, loud enough for my ovaries to hear, but silent enough that no one else would notice and think me a crazy lady. I am only 35 - I am still fertile!

Why do they feel the need to label it an "infertility clinic" why not "fertility unit" or something much kinder and less traumatic!! Or why not take out any reference to fertility in the name of the department! Why does it have to sound so brutal.

I am not infertile... I may be a late starter - but I am governed by God, not so much by what the tests may show. I am NOT infertile! I may be struggling to conceive, but hubby has been away a lot, and I have been unable to time our attempts with my ovulation clock! I am not infertile. God knows the times and the seasons He has attributed to hubby and me... He knows the right time for Bubba to be given to us.

So why have I decided to agree to the investigation of why I have not conceived? Does this mean I don't have faith in the Lord whom I profess to trust in? Not at all. Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not yet seen. That describes me in relation to Bubba, and is straight from the Bible (Hebrews 11:1).

The way I see it - forewarned is forearmed!!! If I know whether there is a problem - even a mild blockage or whatever, then I can pray more effectively into the situation, rather than praying blindly. And I can ask other trusted friends to pray with me. I know God knows my body - inside and out. I know He knows whether there is a "problem" or not. He also knows how to "fix" the problem - after all, He did design and create the human body - the female body - the reproductive system - the child-bearing aspect of our design. So He knows how to "put it right"! In Him I will put my trust.

Friday, August 17, 2012

A year on...

Hubby and I went out for a meal a few weeks ago with an old friend of ours. It was a lovely time of chatting and catching up with each others news.

But, as we were leaving the table - we had been invited back to his for a coffee - our friend said to us, "It is so lovely to see you both... but isn't there one missing? Shouldn't there be a third member of your family by now?"

Well, yes there should. And in the Lord's timing, Bubba will join us. 

At least his query to us was better than another "friend" when we recently saw him. As I passed him by, he decided to put out his hand and lay it on my belly as if there was a baby growing inside... I had to keep my hands, which had formed a fist, very firmly by my sides!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Medical Intervention??

So apparently, when a woman hits that magic age of 35, and hasn't conceived within six months, she is "encouraged" to seek medical advice. Maybe start the invasive process of looking at what is wring with her body.

As hubby and I stopped using the patch the end of August last year - I guess that means me.

I did go the Dr's a couple of months ago, because I had noticed a change in my periods and wondered if this was something to be concerned about... there were no female Dr's on duty at my practice for the foreseeable future, so I had to sit with a male Dr who didn't actually listen to my concerns, just thought I was "stressy" about not having conceived yet, and that the problem obviously lay in me as hubby already has a son. I don't really want to go back to him again!!!

He did say he would arrange for me to see a consultant re: the whole conception thing - in between telling me hubby and I should go on a holiday... Would love to - would he like to contribute his finances to this!!! Anyway - I've not received a letter about an appointment - only reminder letters to follow up on a letter I should have received, urging me to make an appointment.

I've been putting it off. I'm not sure I really want to be prodded and poked only to be told it is my fault I don't have bubba growing inside me. It's not really an easy thing to talk about, and it definitely isn't an easy thing to be told that I am the one with the problem. Again.

We had some friends round for dinner last night - an older couple. Lovely they are! The conversation turned to babies... as it inevitably does with us at the moment - I mean, we've been married for two years, it must be time to have bubba!!! I ended up telling her about the whole medical intervention thing, and how I was avoiding it - she challenged me with this:
"What if you don't follow up and in years to come you realise it was a simple thing stopping you from conceiving, which is easily treatable?"

Hmmm.... I hadn't thought of it like that. Maybe it is something which medicine combined with God's help, can repair. But what if it isn't... What if the problem is permanent...???

                         What if the journey doesn't have to end in tears..???