About Me

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Hi. Welcome to my "taboo" blog. My name is Steph, and when I first started this, I was still in my thirties. In 2017, I switch decades! I am a Christian, so underlying everything I do and say is the Word of God, and the foundational truths I have learnt over the years. This doesn't mean I'm perfect - I am human. It just means I recognise I need God's help to live this life and try to live out His way, as best I can. So that's me in a nutshell. Thanks for taking the time to read through my blog, I hope you draw strength, hope or encouragement from what you read.

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Guilt Sets In... Again

I can't help but feel, sometimes, that maybe it is my fault I am not pregnant yet. So many other women seem to get pregnant so easily, without really trying, without even meaning to... and yet I am unable to conceive. I'm not grossly overweight, I eat healthily, I could do better with exercise, but I have seen women in a worse condition that I conceive without a problem.

But it all sunk in my heart the other night when I had, probably a defining moment, in this journey... and the guilt has well and truly set in!

One day last week I felt really nauseous, every evening for about four days in a row. On the third day, I felt so awful I was struggling to sleep because I felt so sick. At around 5 in the morning, after a fitful 20 minutes of rest, I had a sudden dreamy, sleepy thought... this could be it... sickness, not sleeping - I could be pregnant. In a blind panic, my heart started pounding, as I thought, "Oh my goodness, I don't think I can do this!"

Then I started spotting the next day.

Was my overwhelming panic, and selfish thought about having a bad pregnancy experience the reason for not being pregnant? Am I really not ready, so God still can't release Bubba to the world through me? I feel so afraid at the idea of becoming pregnant - of the changes I know will come to my body - it scares me... the fear of what is to come, I mean. I keep reading articles about new mums, or the affects of pregnancy on the body, the challenges to new mums, including the debates over to breastfeed or not to breastfeed... there is soooo much to consider! Least of all the fear of the actually birth itself!!

I have never handled pain very well - even a mere paper cut is enough to bring tears to my eyes!!! The idea of change, change which I can't predict or really adjust to, is difficult to face. But to have responded with blind panic at the idea of being pregnant, when Hubby and I are TTC - this was not a reaction I would ever have considered.

So, the guilt sets in, as I face this new pressure - my own failings in dealing with the idea of becoming pregnant... maybe conquering my fear, is the next step I should be taking in this journey!

Friday, June 1, 2012

Summer Rosé

So I was talking to hubby the other day... he thinks I should relax more about our TTC journey... which is fine for him to say - because it doesn't affect him in quite the same way! 

As a wannabe bubba's mumma, I have to be conscious of my cycle, and of how I'm treating my body, or watching what I eat or drink at certain times during it. For example... the gorgeous hot summery days' we've been enjoying are perfect for lounging in the garden, with a glass of Rosé !!! It is like THE perfect summer drink! I have a small bottle waiting for me in the fridge... But during that two week period, after the ovulation, before conception, while waiting to know if this month was successful or not, it would be irresponsible to have a glass... or bottle... of wine. Alcohol and growing babies don't mix!

So learning to relax, and yet monitoring what I am doing, somehow have to work themselves out as friends, rather than as opposing parts at this stage of my life! I don't think I am that OTT about TTC. I could be a whole lot worse than I am... I could get an ovulation monitoring kit, or check my BBT (basal body temperature) every morning before I even contemplate getting out of bed, or I could pounce on hubby on the predicted ovulation day... five times an hour, just to make sure his swimmers are alive and active... but I don't do any of those things. I don't even lift my legs in the air to encourage gravitational pull!

So in that respect, I told him, I am very relaxed! And yet am very aware of what my body is doing.

Ahhh... Summer Rosé... you typify relaxation, but for now... you must remain in the fridge!